Category Archives: Humor

The Endangered Species You Haven’t Heard About

Please note: This list is not authorized by the United States Government, and consequently is nearer to the truth than the official Federal Endangered Species List. Read at your own risk.

Patriots – The American Patriot (not to be confused with the NE Patriots) is one of the finest specimens of its kind, characterized by extreme dedication, love of country, passion for freedom, and zeal for “God, guns, and America.” Though many patriots still inhabit America, their numbers have decreased and their habitat is in danger of elimination. Because of universities and general disinformation, the nemesis of this noble species has been gaining momentum in recent decades, proclaiming hate for America, shouting in the streets, clamoring for reform, and waving signs demanding Tolerance. Increasingly brazen, they have even been known to violently attack Patriots.

Real Men – Qualities of real men—such as leadership, courage, and chivalry—have been under fierce attack and are on the verge extinction. If you haven’t already noticed, watch a John Wayne movie and then take a walk around your local mall and see the “men” slinking about in there. The noble species is being increasingly replaced by whining, wimpy snowflakes with bangs and “skin-tight pants flying at half-mast.”

True Ladies – These are sometimes more difficult to identify due to a different species which disguises itself like True Ladies. When identifying real women, especially look for sweet, gentle dispositions and a willingness to follow Real Men. Their natural habitat is their home, where they devote themselves to their husbands and nurture their young ones and foster happiness. The aforementioned invasive species are seriously endangering True Ladies through rapid replacement. Although cleverly disguised, one can identify these impersonators by observing a consistently domineering, authoritative, and competitive nature.

Christians – Some of the most tolerant people on the planet, Christians are threatened with extinction by God-haters (of the genus fools, see Psalm 14:1)—all in the name of Tolerance. Followers of Christ are under attack worldwide, facing persecution, opposition, regulation, and even death. Even in America, which was once a Christian nation, Christians face increasing opposition from media, public education, Darwinism, and relativism. True Christians who stand up for the Truth are becoming increasingly rare.

American Voters – Once numerous throughout the country, these responsible, informed citizens are all-important to the ecosystem of American liberty, once having enabled our nation’s greatness. Nowadays, however, items such as food, football, and foolishness crowd out room for civic responsibility. American voters are not a helpful species by themselves, but when responsibly informed, they are the health of the nation.

Principled Statesmen – Some time ago, this noble species began to be overwhelmed by the historically infamous family known as politicians. This tragic transition has thrown off the balance of our ecosystem of limited government. The aforementioned American Voters are the only ones who can bring this endangered species back to pre-crisis population levels. Principled Statesmen are characterized by everything the invasive species of politicians is not: an uncompromising adherence to the principles of Truth, determination to do what is right, and a refusal to be cowed by the Party or intimidated into compliance.

The Constitution – Truly one of a kind, this rare jewel is under attack from many directions. Because it is largely ignored by those it affects most directly, it is at high risk of extinction. In addition to being ignored by many as if it never even existed, it is attacked as “old-fashioned,” “out-dated,” and “written by a bunch of racist white guys.” In reality, however, this species was bred by the notable (and noble) Founding Fathers, and has since allowed for previously unknown levels of wealth, prosperity, and security. There are actually many calling for an all out elimination of the document, claiming it’s time for a new Constitution. If America wants to return to her former system of limited government and freedom for the individual, she must save the Constitution from extinction and begin enforcing it again.

The Declaration of Independence – A close cousin of the vanishing Constitution, the ideals of the Declaration of Independence are also under attack. Globalists have attempted to replace it with a noxious species they call the Declaration of Interdependence. This must not be allowed to happen, or the real Declaration will be lost in the dustbin of history. If globalists had their way, all memory and every copy of the Declaration would vanish forever—along with the blessings of the principles it so eloquently champions.

The Middle-Class – Marxian ideology has taken such firm root in American society (especially found in the Swamp of D.C., but also in universities and media across the country) that the Middle-Class is finding survival more and more difficult. Since America’s prosperity was largely built on the Middle-Class, this threatens our survival as a nation. Of course the predators of the Middle-Class want the demolition of the whole country, as well. The fate of the nation is closely tied with the fate of the Middle-Class.

Small Businesses – Predators of these are numerous and enjoy great advantages from our government, making survival an increasingly difficult prospect for the naturally fragile Small Business. Regulations, taxes, and supergiants like Walmart have combined forces in depleting the natural habitat and sustenance of Small Businesses, swallowing many of them up into their already bloated globalist network. The only way to save them is through massive deregulation, lowering of taxes, and abolishing of international cartels.

*  *  *  *  *

Are you concerned the about the future of these and many other threatened species? Do you agree it’s time to stop this wanton destruction?

The answer, sadly, is not as easy as simply expanding the Federal Endangered Species List to include these and other threatened species. Work worth doing is hard work.

It’s time for responsible preservation, sustainable practices, and cooperative conservation. These endangered species are too vital to the American ecosystem to simply allow to go extinct. You can help by encouraging and/or becoming as many of these as is practicable. Alert others to the plight of our nation and encourage them to join as well. Educate your family, friends, and neighbors.

Only when enough Americans are awakened to the seriousness of the situation can we take back our country.

Happy educating!

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The Collectivist’s Prayer

Our government who is in Washington, D.C.,
Hallowed be your name (we beseech you to hear our humble voices).

Your kingdom come (we’ve forgotten we’re a republic under God).

Your laws be obeyed (all 93,376,945 of them)
In our own home towns (since Swamp-Dwellers are exempt and somebody’s got to obey all those laws).

Give us this day our daily bread (we’re too lazy to work for it ourselves).

And take from them haves and give to us have-nots (your incessant “equality” propaganda has begun to wear off)
And do not lead us into prudence, wisdom, or responsibility, but deliver us from ourselves (oh all-wise government).

For yours is the rule and the power and the sovereign authority forever (until you cede it to the United Nations).
Amen (and Awomen).

🙂

Professor P.C. Doublespeak

Professor

I’m still not quite sure he knew who he was getting himself into an interview with, but somehow I obtained an appointment with the prominent professor.

I arrived precisely on time, being well aware of his propensity to get upset and call names when facing unpleasant circumstances.

The golden plaque on his door spelled out his distinguished name, Professor P. C. Doublespeak. I stared at it a moment before knocking, wondering how he had managed to end up with such a fantastic name.

He opened the door, glanced me over rather suspiciously, and with a grunt motioned for me to come in. His office was neat, smelled of old books, and was lined with well-stocked bookshelves.

Seeking to establish common ground right away, I gestured toward the handsome book cases and began cordially, “You are a bookworm, Professor?”

Heavily seating himself behind his cluttered desk, his eyes narrowed and he answered, “That is a racial insult—I cannot tolerate such racist remarks on this proudly diverse campus.”

“I apologize,” I offered hastily, searching my mind for any clue as to the discriminatory nature of the word I had grown up with.

Bookworm. Well! Who knew? Another word to eliminate from my vocabulary, I thought. I learn something new every day as a journalist!

At the same time, I took the seat he graciously offered and cocked my head, attempting to read the titles of some of his volumes. I restrained a gasp when I saw Marx’s Das Kapital, directly next to The Communist Manifesto. My eyes fell upon another shelf and seeing an entire collection under the name of Lenin, I read such titles as What Is To Be Done?, The State And Revolution, and On the Great October Socialist Revolution. On yet another shelf I saw the enormous tome Tragedy & Hope—a work by a professor of another era.

“He studies the philosophy and strategy of the enemy,” I thought with new respect. “This will be more interesting than I thought.”

I was right.

I opened my enormous flip pad and pulled out my good, old-fashioned wooden pencil.

“Thank you for giving me some of your time,” I began pleasantly; “I know you are extremely busy and I appreciate this opportunity to give our readers a chance to hear from you.”

I arranged my papers and launched right into the substance of the interview, since it appeared he had nothing to say in reply except for his grunt of acknowledgement.

“Professor, what’s the number one worst thing going wrong today?” I asked,  idly flipping my pencil between my fingers.

“As I always tell my students, there are too many things going wrong,” he replied, adjusting his spectacles ceremoniously.

I thought he looked actually pleased for the first time since I had walked inside—now that he had a chance to rant against the evils of the world. He himself looked as though he had been heavily affected by the world’s woes and burdens.

He sounded as if he was reciting an official report of What’s Wrong With the World. “The president is the most insane president since Calvin Coolidge, people are too intolerant, the earth continues to warm at alarming rates, glaciers are melting, animals are dying, poor people are getting poorer and rich folks are getting richer, people are abandoning progress and reverting to Stone Age isolationism—and then, of course, racism is rampant.” I thought I saw a severe gleam in his eye as he mentioned that last concern.

Hurriedly I scrawled down his main concerns, privately amazed at what he found most alarming. It was not, I confess, what I had quite expected from so eminent and informed a citizen.

“Define intolerance for me, please,” I said. “There’s much talk of it and it would be helpful to know clearly what you mean by it.”

“It’s being intolerant of other people or their beliefs, of course,” he answered, professing shock at my childish ignorance. “It has become a major problem in recent years particularly. Religionists seek to force their dogma on individuals who simply seek to live their lives free of religion. Do you know how difficult it is for a science-believer to be accepted and successful in a community of militant Christians?”

“Are you, then, a non-believer, Professor?” I asked, unable to conceal my shock.

“I am a firm believer in science and reality,” he retorted. “I refuse to engage in fanciful speculations about things we cannot observe.”

He pointed to a dull, colorless poster hanging on the wall. “Only when religion becomes tolerant can the world have true peace. It’s one of the most important things I teach my students.”

Surprised and rather dismayed, I moved on with the interview, determined to continue listening with an open mind.

“So climate change is a main concern of yours?” I asked. “What do you think we should do about it?”

“The present Administration has been aggressively pursuing the destruction of Mother Earth, which is nothing but suicidal,” he said, his jaw tightening. “I feel very strongly about responsible action to ensure a clean, inhabitable earth for future generations.

“We need to take measures to combat climate change and stop anthropogenic global warming. Sustainable energy is a must, government oversight is a must, global cooperation is a must . . .”

I failed to notice that I had ceased either writing or listening and had instead begun examining a stack of papers on his desk, bound with a green paper clip, sitting next to an organic granola bar. The cover page read, The Case for Socialism – Justice, Equality, and the War to Overcome Prejudice.

“Well?” he barked, abruptly interrupting my thoughts.

I cleared my throat somewhat nervously and pretended to finish taking a few remaining notes. This interview had turned out to be an intensely uncomfortable one.

“What are your views on socialism?” I asked, throwing in a question not on my list to satisfy my own curiosity.

“It is the philosophy of our time,” he answered brazenly. “It is the only hope of mankind. Only when we overthrow the oppression of the bourgeoisie and institute a new order for humanity can we enjoy true equality, tolerance, and security.”

“Professor, that sounds more like Marx,” I protested in growing alarm. “Surely you don’t believe in the ideology of The Communist Manifesto? The Bolshevik Revolution? Mao Tse-tung?”

“Well . . .” he hesitated at first, fingering a heap of student papers on his desk, “some argue that Lenin and Mao came across too strongly—too zealous—but their intentions were pure. They recognized the sacrifice was worth the long-term benefit to humanity. I believe we need more of that kind of dedication today to save us from the regressive policies of the Right.”

Astounded, I twiddled my pencil and let his words sink in more fully. Seriously? An American professor promoting twentieth century Communism? What about Communism’s demise?

He wasn’t through yet, however.

“Socialism for America is not enough. Once we’ve succeeded in making our own nation a truly equal society, where the individual gives up his own preferences and beliefs for the good of the community, we’ll share the success. We are morally bound to give progress, socialism, and equality to the oppressed peoples of the world.”

“But, Professor,” I argued, “isn’t that a little bit tyrannical? Forcing our system of government on other countries? I thought you were opposed to the Right imposing capitalism on unwilling nations. I’m afraid I don’t quite follow your line of reasoning.”

His eyes flashed dangerously. “Worldwide socialism will be a boon to all of us,” he carefully evaded my question, at the same time trying to employ his legendary ability to intimidate into silence. “In the long run, humanity will thank revolutionaries like us for bringing them into it—against their will, even—until they have been released from the bourgeoisie deception and experience true freedom and equality.”

US?” I repeated in disbelief. “‘Humanity will thank revolutionaries like ‘us’? Professor, surely you don’t mean to say you are actively working toward world communism, do you?” I was almost beside myself with the discovery. The man behind the intellectual mask was quite a shocking one indeed.

“Why, how else would I help the cause—inactively?” he glared, his voice rising. “It’s young folks like you who now stand between us and Utopia! Let me guess—you were homeschooled and you learned all about God, guns, and country.” I nodded. In spite of all else, his perception was amazingly keen. “Socialism will never work until your kind are reeducated in the essentials!” he boomed with flaming eyes.

He regained his composure and took a deep breath. With great dignity he said quietly, significantly, “I recommend you start by going to college.”

I stared into space and nodded silently as I mentally began to connect the dots. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of thinking aloud.

So,” I mused, “I go to college and get reeducated and learn how bad America is, how good socialism is, how to stop global warming, how to become a traitor to my country without being punished as such, how to be a ‘useful idiot’. . .” my voice trailed off as I snapped back to reality and suddenly realized with dismay that I was actually speaking out loud.

Glancing over at him and seeing the vehement look on his face, I decided the interview was over and rapidly rose, just barely remembering to grab my note pad as I headed out.

As he pursued me to the door, I turned around and asked just one more question.

“By the way, Professor,” I said, stepping into the hall and keeping one foot just enough inside the door to prevent him from closing it. “Would you mind sharing your name? As I’m sure you are well aware, we know what Doublespeak means, but many of us have been wondering what the initials P. C. stand for. You would dispel a lot of speculations by . . .”

He cut me off with an impatient flourish for me to remove my foot from hindering the closing of the door. “Be gone!” he roared, and the door slammed shut.

I seated myself on the closest bench in the hall and rapidly took down all the notes I had neglected to record while inside, realizing with a thrill how excited Mr. Bland would be to receive my explosive story. I hadn’t ever seen anything like it in my life—no one must know the truth about Professor Doublespeak or the universities or their secret push for communism! I thought naively.

I was literally on the edge of my seat as I drove back to work and burst into the office of my supervisor.

“I have the biggest story of the century, Mr. Bland!” I announced with all the zeal and confidence of a novice journalist who has not gone to college to learn journalism and is instead learning as-they-go.

He turned to face me, swinging around in his chair.

“Well, what is it?” he asked with trademark complacency.

“Here’s my notes from the interview with Professor P. C. Doublespeak,” I answered, proudly thrusting my big yellow pad forward.

He rapidly scanned it as I told him the abbreviated story.

“Communism, socialism, global warming, universities, bourgeoisie, reeducation—it’s all there, Mr. Bland!”

“I don’t think we’ll be able to print it,” he informed me laconically, pushing it aside.

“Whyever not?!” I demanded, hardly able to believe my ears. “This is news like you’ve never heard! A journalist’s dream—we have a plot, secrecy, evidence, significance . . . what a story! What else could you want?!”

“It’s unsuitable for our readership base. Thank you for your effort. I think I shall enroll you in the Progressive Journalism course after all,” he said blandly.

“Why is it unsuitable?” I insisted, wondering if I had somehow misunderstood the Professor and botched the interview.

“When presented with items of this kind, we are told they are baseless, discredited, and lacking either proof or importance,” he stated, swinging around in his chair to face his computer once more.

As I retreated in a state of mental disarray, I could hear Mr. Bland’s fingers pounding on his keyboard again. I was more perplexed than before. It was the most confusing day I could remember.

I have since decided not to seek interviews with Professors, Liberals, Globalists, or PC Police, figuring my time would be better spent elsewhere.

The World Will Turn Right-Side Up

Maybe it’s just me—extremist, radical me—but sometimes I wonder about the day when American foreign policy won’t look so much like a nightmarish film written and directed by our enemies, and our SNAPpy neighbors will find jobs, and American education will be managed by parents and local communities.

In fact, I expect there will be a number of significant things happening that day. CNN will report an event without injecting an anti-American slant, Bernie Sanders will praise the benefits of the free market, George Soros will acknowledge the existence of a Being higher than himself, and Black Lives Matter will fight for the lives of unborn black babies.

That will happen, of course, the same day that Richard Haass and the Council on Foreign Relations are exposed by The New York Times. Henry Kissinger will be given a fair trial and find himself behind bars for treason. The Clintons will be encouraged to seek refuge in Russia, where no doubt their friend Putin will cordially welcome them; and frankly, I’m pretty sure Hillary’s silly grin will disappear en route. At the same time the Clinton Foundation will repudiate its history and donate to The John Birch Society.

On the afternoon of that wonderful day, I’ll drive over to the grocery store and purchase my week’s groceries with a silver eagle rather than those pathetic Federal Reserve Notes. Up the road, the Federal Reserve Bank of Minneapolis will be sitting vacant until an honest company makes it their office. Janet Yellen will be in search of a new job, Robert Lighthizer will publicly denounce entangling international trade agreements, Jeb Bush will say something truly enlightening, Mark Meckler will praise the limited government of the Constitution, and John McCain and Lindsey Graham will jointly condemn the communism of Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela.

That day I’ll jump on the Internet and the numbers on the national debt-watch websites will be steadily decreasing at the rate they are increasing today. That day copies of the US Constitution all over America will be retrieved from shadowy corners and dusted off and read. Refugees will desist from flooding our country, and that evening NAFTA will be canceled in a late night session of Congress.

Harry Reid will, in his esteemed retirement, vocally support private firearms ownership, and Cecile Richards will stand up for women’s health by discouraging certain murderous and unnatural behavior.

As the cherished principles of freedom spread the world over on that blessed day, I can vividly see the dissolving of the Disunited Nations, and the blue-helmeted “peace keepers” going home, and the UN world judges casting off their priestly robes, and the Climate Alarmists confessing their distortion of records in order to scare the populace. I can see the obnoxiously tall building in NYC finding a new location elsewhere in this wide, wide world, perhaps under a different name—maybe they’ll even construct a statue of a real gun on the grounds this time, just to see if it improves their luck. Nikki Haley will have to move onto more important work; perhaps she’ll be qualified to provide assistance to Venezuela.

That day Bernie Sanders will discontinue raging, John Kaisch will become a conservative, James Comey will make sense, “Reverend” Al will bite his Sharp-Tongue, Mitch McConnell will advocate putting America first, Bob Goodlatte will live up to his name, Paul Ryan will vote against a globalist measure, Chuck Schumer will quit his double-talk, Congress will take a vacation, and “let’s move” Michelle Obama and her husband will pack their bags and “move” away from our capital, having overstayed their visit.

Lawyers will gain simplicity, professors sense, snowflakes guts, protesters haircuts, celebrities clothing, men masculinity, women femininity, loafers jobs, and government tax-cuts. There will be much gained on that day.

Losses will be heavy as well, however.

John McCain will lose his conservative mask, Bill Kristol his following, Nancy Pelosi her ego, Rex Tillerson his job, Bill Ayers his head, Hollywood its business, Fox News its credibility, the Supreme Court its sovereign authority, ambassadors their immunity, the UN its usurped powers, and Congress the major portion of their paychecks; the Constitution will be bereaved of the 16th and 17th Amendments, reporters of their arrogance, universities of federal funding, Montana of its grizzlies, political parties of their monopoly on elections, taxpayers of their immense burden, bureaucracies of their bureaucrats, loafers of their unemployment benefits, and liberals of the privilege of defining our language for us. Conservatives will gladly shed political correctness at this time and speak the Truth freely.

On that marvelous day “McCarthyism” will become a mark of distinction, Robert Welch will be remembered as one of America’s greatest (and most brilliant) heroes, and America’s #1 news publication will be The New American magazine.

That day the world will turn upside down. . .or will it be right-side up?

Until then, in Deo speramus alia vigilemus.
(In God we trust, all others we watch.)

Woe to You, Politicians, Hypocrites!

The text of Matthew 23 revised for some of those who need to be exposed in modern times. Specially crafted for Republican and Democrat politicians alike. 🙂

Note: This is not written to those precious few public servants who actually abide by their oath to the Constitution.

The politicians have seated themselves in Congress, the White House, and the Supreme Court; therefore all that they tell you, do and observe (unless you want to go to jail), but do not do according to their deeds; for they say things and do not do them. They tie up heavy burdens on men’s shoulders, but they themselves are unwilling to move them with so much as a finger. But they do all their deeds to be noticed by men; for they speak far and wide about our beloved Founding Fathers, and carry pocket Constitutions around with them for show. They love the place of honor and the chief seats, and respectful greetings in the market places, and being called “lawmakers”, “leaders”, and “rulers” by men. But do not be called king; for One is your King, that is, Christ. But the greatest among you shall be your servant. Whoever exalts himself shall be humbled; and whoever humbles himself shall be exalted.

Woe to you, lawyers and politicians, hypocrites, because you devour widows’ houses, and for a pretense you make long speeches; therefore you will receive greater condemnation.

Woe to you, politicians, hypocrites, because you send our Armed Forces around on sea and land to make “peace”; and when you have done so (in name only), you set up a puppet dictator and you make him twice as much a violater of human rights as yourselves.

Woe to you, blind guides, who swear an oath to obey the Constitution, for after you are in office, you never think twice about the Constitution again.

Woe to you, politicians, hypocrites! For you collect taxes and duties from us, and yet have neglected the weightier provisions of the law: justice and mercy and faithfulness; but these are the things you should have done without neglecting the others. You blind guides, who strain out a gnat and swallow a camel!

Woe to you, politicians, hypocrites! For you try to fix the problems of the rest of the world. You blind politicians, first fix the problems in our own country, so that America may then be an example to the rest of the world.

Woe to you, politicians, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs which on the outside appear beautiful, but inside they are full of dead men’s bones and all uncleanness. So you, too, outwardly appear concerned to constituents, but inwardly you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness.

Woe to you, politicians, hypocrites! For you establish the national monuments of the patriots of old (unconstitutionally, by the way), and yet you work at the same time to destroy those principles for which they fought and died: life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. You serpents, you brood of vipers, how will you escape the sentence of hell?